Wednesday, December 24, 2008

We're having a.....


Just a thought

Today, Cosette would be 16 months old. I was so excited to see her reaction to all the Christmas things (the zoo, the museum, Christmas lights, Santa, reindeer, and opening presents.) I know she would have loved them all. The last few weeks have been tough as I've tried to keep with doing those same things with Ally. She is at the age where it is exciting and she understands that she is getting presents as well as giving them to others. She is excited and I am so excited for her. She's been talking about everyone that is going to be giving her presents and what she thinks they'll be giving her. Hopefully she's not too disappointed about not getting certain things. One of those things would be a dog. She keeps saying that daddy is getting her a dog for Christmas. Sorry, sweetie, that is not on the list THIS year, maybe next year when we have a house. I brought a few Santa presents with us to Matts parents house and kept a few at home. When we get home she'll get to open the presents from us as well as presents from Santa. That way he visited her home as well as dropped presents off for her where she was sleeping. Not like she understands any of that. I'm really hoping that the nasty weather holds off at least until tomorrow afternoon, that way we can get to my moms house safely.
So I am going to throw a question out to any of you who feel like answering it. Who do you think takes care of the little babies that still needed to be watched over and held when they were on earth, but are now in heaven? Does that make sense? My main question would be who is watching and caring for Cosette, but also, who is taking care of the babies that only lived a short time on earth? Are the women that weren't able to conceive or given the opportunity to conceive watching over our little babies? Is our Heavenly Mother able to watch over and care for them herself, if she's the one caring for them? I ask this question because as a mother I want to know who is watching my sweet girl. I know she is fine and in good hands, but just want to know who is caring for her.
Well I hope you all have a very safe and happy holiday,
The Horns

Monday, December 22, 2008

I didn't mean for this to be so long

Well, I was going to write down a poem that has brought a lot of comfort, then I read the back of the card it is on and due to the copyright I have to get written permission before posting it on the internet. So I will write what is on the ornament that came with it. My Grandpa and Grandma Smith sent this to me after Cosette passed.
Merry Christmas From Heaven
I love you all dearly
Now don't shed a tear,
I'm spending my Christmas
With Jesus this year.
The days are getting easier and I have a lot less crying moments. Ally is asking more questions and it gets tough in those moments to comfort her with my answers. She doesn't fully understand my answers (who really fully understands why these things happen). She can't comprehend and connect my answers with what she knows. My little girl has lost her sister and her best friend. Her playmate and partner in crime. She is trying to figure things out and gets frustrated very easily. I know it will get easier, but I'm not sure when. I feel at peace with all that has happened, but I will always feel that HUGE hole missing in my heart. My heart aches for Ally. I know we are given challenges and trials to strengthen us and this is one of ours. We'll make it through because of the gospel and our faith in Christ. We are still planning on going to Disney World, Cosette would have been upset if we would have cancelled or postponed it. I feel that she will be there in spirit experiencing it all with us. She is such a sweet girl and we miss her dearly. I know that she is with our Heavenly Father and will be there to greet us when that day should come. I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father for the opportunity that we had to have her in our home for those 15 months. I feel blessed to have had such a pure spirit in our home and that Heavenly Father trusted us that much, to care for such a precious child of His. He has a way of letting you know He loves you and that He is in charge and yet comforting you all at the same time. I know our life here on earth is short, but there are days when it feels like life is SO long. I know my Heavenly Father is mindful of my family and our needs. He loves us and watches over us.
After reading this you might be left wondering if I am doing okay. The answer is yes. Things are going well for us. Yes, we are sad that Cosette is no longer on earth with us, but we know where she is and that she is happy. We are grateful for the gospel and the comfort we've been able to find through it. Our time on earth is precious and none of us know when He will call us home. Live each day to the fullest, find time to laugh, and show those you love just how much you love them by serving them. The three of us are really doing fine. Cosette was a big piece of our family and she's not here physically, but I feel her here with us quite often. She's our little angel and has given our family such a desire to do that much better so we can spend forever with her. I love being a mom and am so grateful for the 2 little girls I have and the little child on the way. Heavenly Father has blessed our family so much and I am so grateful to Him for the comfort He has brought us. Knowing that what happened to Cosette could happen to any one of us, helps me understand that this was His will for her. This was the plan for our family. He is mindful of our needs and loves us all so much. I'm sure He feels a hole in His heart every time He lets one of His children come down to earth. He has to watch all of the trials they go through and His heart aches for them to come home. Cosette is home and is just waiting to welcome us. She will never know pain, hurt, heartache, and knows that she has a place in the Celestial Kingdom. What great comfort that brings. I love my children so much and feel just a smidge of what Heavenly Father feels when we sends one of His children down to me. My testimony has grown imensely in the last 2 weeks. There are days I wish I could have learned these things a different way, but I know this was the plan and this is what we were suppose to go through as a family.
Thank you all for your support, prayers, and love. We have felt you all here with us.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Just a few pictures

Yesterday while Matt was taking his final, Ally and I went to the zoo. IT WAS COLD. I think we were the only ones there for about 1/2 hour. At 5 pm they start the rides and Santa comes. Last year Matt did a survey when we were at the zoo and they gave him a free ride that expired yesterday. Yes I know I had how many nice warm sunny days to use it and I chose the coldest day to go. Well besides the fact that we walked the entire Plains area to find that all the animals were inside and most of the other animals were inside, it was still nice to see all the Christmas lights they have. Ally and I were the only ones on the train, as you can see by my blurry picture. And looking at our faces you can see just how cold we were. As soon as the train ride was over, we (meaning I because Ally was sitting in the stroller) ran to the car as fast as we could. We went and picked up Matt and headed home.

I had to keep pulling her hat up on her face so it would cover up her nose and mouth. By the end of the train ride, she had realized that it kept her face warmer if she covered up the nose and mouth. We also went to the white river gardens and Ally was enthralled with the trains. We'll definetely have to go back and see them soon.

This is a picture of Ally before heading to Cosette's funeral. For those of you that couldn't go, we didn't want to do all black. Sette loved pink, so Matt wore a pink tie, Ally this cute dress, and I couldn't find much pink I liked so I wore a cream sweater with a pink shirt underneath.

Monday, December 15, 2008

By the way

We know the gender of #3 and we'll let you know on Christmas!!

Well, I'm not sure what to say...

So I will start by saying "thank you" to all those that have helped out, prayed for us, and just let us know you care about us. To be honest, the first few days are a blur as to what went on and how we got through it. Once the funeral came, we found the much needed closure we were looking for. The talks that were given and the outpouring of support was very touching. Matt and I are so thankful to have so many good friends and strong family support. I keep getting the question "what can I/we do for you? how can we help?", well to be honest, I'm not sure. Right now we are doing fine and I will be sure to let you know when I am having a bad day and might like dinner to be brought over. Right now we are facing every day as it comes and know that with each new day brings new obstacles and more emotions.
Some of you may be wondering how this happened. I was told I need to write this and tell her little story for healing. Cosette really hadn't been super sick, she'd been dealing with a sinus infection and was at the end of her antibiotic, she was suppose to have her 15 month appt the day it happened. The girls and I had gone up to Grandma Horns house to make cookies and because their ward was having a cookies exchange that I thought sounded fun. So we left Matt home to take a final and work, while we went and had fun. Thursday night after the cookie exchange, the girls had their pajamas on and were dancing around in front of the Christmas tree. They were laughing and having a good time. Then I laid them down for bed and stayed awake until they fell asleep. I checked on them before going to bed and they were both sleeping soundly (meaning they were both snoring). Ally came in my room at 3:50am and said she couldn't find her sippy cup, so I went in to find it and thought I should check Cosette. Thats when I noticed she'd thrown up. I couldn't let her sleep in it, so I went to pick her up to change her sheets and she was limp. I grabbed her from the crib and woke up my mother in law. She called 911 and got cpr started right away. The ambulance came and I sat there and watched as they tried to get her heart started. They had no luck. At the hospital they gave her all the medicines they could and did everything they can do for a 15 month old. The home teacher came to the hospital and gave her a blessing and soon after they stopped trying. I was a mess and I think more so because Matt was still at home, well at this point, he was on his way up with my mom. I don't know how he did it driving the 3 hours at 5am knowing he wasn't going to be meeting Cosette's smiling face. After Matt got there we talked to the coroner who said she aspirated. Had she been sleeping in the same bed with me, I wouldn't have woke up to it. Obviously Heavenly Father really wanted her home with him. He knew it was her time and He needed her home with Him. Matt and I just were not ready to let go. We are doing so much better now. We've done a lot of reading and praying and feel so comforted at this time. Knowing that Cosette will be waiting for us, makes us want the second coming to come even sooner. I feel so blessed to have been given the opportunity to get to know such a beautiful little girl. Yesterday Ally woke up super grumpy from her nap and I just couldn't help but miss Cosette. She was the one person that could turn Ally from grumpy to giggly in seconds. Now some of you might be wondering how this is affecting Ally. Well, she sure misses her sister and her best friend. She's 2 1/2 and not sure how to express how she feels. She asks questions and we answer them, she accepts our answers and moves on. She knows that Cosette is with Jesus. She tells us that Cosette is playing at Jesus' house. And we answer yes she's playing with Jesus. We took down Cosettes crib and Ally's not really asked about it. I packed all of Cosette's clothes away for the next baby. She definetely knew what she liked to wear and what she didn't. She LOVES princesses and would get so excited when she saw she was wearing a shirt with princesses on it. She HATES blue jeans and prefers knit pants. She didn't like having her hair in her face, but didn't like having her hair fixed. She spent so much time reading books and playing with dolls. She looks up to Ally like no little sister ever has. She is so passionate about everything she does. She is very determined and head strong. She is a snuggler and cuddler, you can't hold her without her snuggling into your arms and chest. She is so funny and knows how to get us to laugh. When we got home on Friday, I went to make Ally's bed and found a can of green beans in Ally's bed under some blankets. It made me smile because Cosette carried any food item she could get her hands on, around the house. She moved things from one side of the house to the other and it drove me crazy. She loves to play outside. She loves to eat and meant business when she sat down. She has always loved to help. Once she started walking, she wanted to help. She knew that when daddy walked in the door from work or school, that meant she needed to run over and give him a hug and kiss and then wrestle with him. Cosette LOVES to wrestle with her dad. Whenever Matt would just sit on the floor, she'd go over and tackle him. If you ask her a question she'll give you either a strong yes or no. She knows what she wants and doesn't want and when she didn't she'd look at Ally. I miss Cosette so much and always will. I know that if I do everything I've been asked to and try my hardest, I can see her again.

Friday, December 05, 2008

Just to let you know...

I'm still here in blogland and will continue to be, but probably won't be posting for awhile. I'm at a loss as of where to go next.

Monday, December 01, 2008

A fun Thanksgiving weekend

We headed up to Matts parents house for the holiday weekend. Thanksgiving was great with lots of good food and fun games played. Friday before lunch, Matt and I left the girls with his parents and headed to Goshen to see "Four Christmases" (which might I add, should be the must see movie right now) we loved this movie. It was so funny that I just about peed my pants about 10 times during the movie. I didn't want to miss anything, so I sat and held it. Anyways, make it a date night. From the movie, we drove to Shipshewana where we had hotel reservations. It was a nice hotel and we had a HUMONGOUS room. This room was incredibly large with openess. We drove back to Goshen for dinner and then stopped at Wal-Mart to pick up a surprise for the girls if they were good while we were gone. So the whole point of our little night away was that we were celebrating our 4 year anniversary, which just happened to land on Thanksgiving this year. Saturday we got up and headed home (Matts parents house). Then we all piled into 2 cars and drove to Fair Oaks (its a dairy in northern Indiana). While on the way there, Cosette threw up ALL OVER herself and her carseat. Luckily she missed all the coats that were sitting on the floor in front of her. So she and I spent the rest of the ride in the back of the van looking out the window and just praying that she wasn't going to throw up again, she didn't. Before we walked around the museum they have, Ally and I thought we'd go to the bathroom. We were doing great until I went to flush the toilet and somehow my cell phone fell out of my pocket of my coat and into the toilet. I fished it out fast and tried to dry it off. We got to take a tour of the dairy farm and it was really neat. We got to see a baby cow born (super cool, but I am so glad my deliveries are a little different than a cows). Then we headed to Pulaski County to see the Cranes come in (the girls fell asleep on the way and missed seeing the cranes). Then we drove to Valpo to eat yummy steak at Kelsey's. We had a great weekend, well except for me dropping my phone in the toilet. We are exhausted and ready for our next get away. This morning the girls and I headed over to Verizon and got Matt and I new cell phones. So if you know that I had your phone number, please email me your phone number so I can put it in the new phone. They can't retrieve anything from a phone that won't turn on. The girls and I are now just working on getting laundry done and packing for our trip back to Grandmas this week. They are having a cookie exchange in their ward and seeing as how I am pregnant, I thought it sounded good.
Well I hope your Thanksgiving was a fun one!